• Corein Carter

Loneliness is an Illusion

Do we isolate ourselves from others in times of stress instead of seeking help?

What exactly is loneliness? When we think of loneliness that first things that come to mind are isolation, a need to confide in, a want to be apart of something, and urge to have a bond with. I could go on and on. But coming from a person who has had many times in my life where I've struggled with feeling apart from " the group", I've come to terms with the fact that "loneliness" is just a state of mind and we are never truly lonely just sometimes we are "alone". Most times when we are feeling lonely we are experiencing social isolation, that feeling of being apart from other people that we are actually longing for.

As i took a step back to heal myself, i learned that you are never truly apart from any one or anything. We as people pick and choose "who and what" we allow ourselves to open up too. The majority of us have family, close friends, mentors or even partners who are willing to console us in times of need if we were to actually reach out to them and be completely honest. Out of embarrassment, self loathing, disappointment, or the need or put on a facade we stray away from the closest things to us longing for help, love or acceptance from a source that may be non-existent in your surroundings.

Sit back and think of all the times we all had someone text or call us to ask "How we are doing?" and our general reply is always " I'm doing good!" When in all reality we really aren't. We just said those things to not be seen as weak or vulnerable but, these people who we are trying to hide our burdens and struggles from could actually have some insight or advice on how to get out the slump. We never know what someone has dealt with or is currently dealing with because we never truly open the door or conversation up to be able to speak on it.

Especially in the Black Community we often feel as tho we have to figure it all out on our own because of toxic ways that were forced upon our psyche at at a young age as young men and woman influenced by people in our households, our neighborhoods, and our friendships. So many times we are deemed weak, punks, not man enough or as a woman we need to be stronger when in reality we are feeling and being just as we should be, Human. "The Ugly Truth" of all of this is that we have learned so many toxic behaviors in our community when it comes to mental health we need to break away from that. Showing signs of hurt or weakness is natural and we need to learn how to come up with better coping mechanisms versus seeing a person as weak for expressing themselves. Nobody has it all together, even celebrities and ceo's go thru downtimes. As a community of people if we could learn to share more of our struggles openly amongst each other we could really change the narrative and perspective on how we should deal with things or even possibly help save someones life.

The biggest problem that comes with loneliness is Frustration. I believe we become frustrated when we think others can't recognize where we are coming from or what we are going thru. When we feel as tho a person can't fully relate to our circumstances we tend to become introverted because it easier to carry the weight and pain on our own shoulders then to open up to someone and they not have the right answers we are seeking to understand why we feel what we feel. At this point, i advise we take a step back and realize that our current situation may be a "unique" one and maybe these people we are seeking the answers from haven't been in that situation or something as serious as what we are experiencing. Even so, we can allow them to be there for us as an outlet to at least get our frustrations out on the table. We can at least gain a sense of reassurance that even if they don't fully understand us, we at least have a shoulder to cry on or someone that will listen to us rant.

When feeling lonely we have to understand that it is our own personal situation and ultimately we are the only ones that can find the answers to making ourselves feel better. But allowing ourselves to open up can truly make a clear passage in our hearts and minds. The reason i say loneliness is an illusion is because its almost if we are running from reality, distancing ourselves from the people that are trying to help us cope only to back ourselves into a wall where we feel as tho we have nothing or anyone to call on. We have to look at loneliness as such, Take this principal from the book "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Attraction" by Deepak Chopra and implement it. The "Law of Least Effort" states that "Every moment is as it should be" and we have to learn not to struggle against time. When we learn to accept the present moment we are in and the hardships we bare, we can then see that as life progresses and time goes on that this moment too shall pass. Its pretty cliche but its real af. How many times have we felt a certain way or experienced something and couldn't envision the outcome but 6 months go by or a year passes and that brief moment of anguish was just that brief.

The key to getting over loneliness is to create a strategy that leads to solutions for how you are going to get over the slump you are in. The greatest courage anyone can have is to accept life as it is the moment and work towards changing it for the better or sustaining for the long run. It sounds easier said then done but we have to take a step outside from ourselves and realize that instead of feeling that we have no one, we have to look at the individual qualities these people in our lives hold and use them to change our perspective on how we feel at the moment. Use that funny friend to give you a great laugh, call that spiritual friend for some guidance and keep your mind right, set up dinner with your parent(s) and get some nurturing and tips from them, engage with that no-non sense friend and gain some clarity. Instead of trying to find solace in one place recognize that the bits and pieces you pull from all these different people can help make you feel complete. Once you realize how to value all the separate and uniqueness all these individuals bring to your life you will gain a perspective that you were never alone in the first place.

Also for those of you who struggle with demons or battles that are unimaginable seeking outside help like a therapist, a hotline, or a chatroom can help you more because you don't have to worry about the pressure of judgement or having to omit important facts or events that lead you to feeling the way you feel. Seek that help and know that you are Never alone just in a lonely state of mind. This too shall pass.

Feel Free to reach out me. Make sure you like, comment, subscribe, repost, and share!!! Follow me on twitter and instagram @inlivingcolored.



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