Define Exactly What we Are?
Updated: Apr 12, 2018
Have you been just going with the flow of things in your dating life? Is the individual your dating unsure of what they want out you? Are you more then friends but less than lovers? This article is for you.
Less than a relationship but more than a friendship = Situationship
Song Reference: Usher Raymond- "U Don't Have to Call
In the great words of Reverend Usher Raymond "Situations will arise in our lives but you gotta be smart about it." These words are liquid Gold. For those of you who aren't familiar with this terminology its where you aren't quite committed in a relationship but your in a situation with an individual where everything mirrors what a relationship would be but no title is involved. Situationships are dangerous because usually you have one individual who enjoys all the benefits of not being committed or having a so-called title without putting real effort into progressing the relationship forward. Either bc the one individual has put all of his/her eggs in one basket without making sure the other person was on the same page as they were or the individual thinks they can show and prove their worth to the person that is stalling or making excuses of why they aren't ready for something more. At some point in this scenario is bound to hit the fan. Heres why:
I call this "The Mouse Trap". This scenario goes like this you meet an individual you both seem to show interest in one another. One person generally likes and pursues the other more and this is the individual who doesn't want to put the pressure directly on the other person in fear of losing them so they agree to just "Going with the Flow" with hopes the other individual will finally see the value in them. But the problem with this is when you don't set Clear boundaries and standards of where and what you want out of that particular dating experience you leave room for rejection, confusion, and disappointment to occur. By just goin with the flow you don't know where the other persons head is and what their true intentions are. (Granted you can never be 100 percent sure of what someones intentions truly are)
When I think of this scenario in a full spectrum it makes me cringe because all I see is RED warning signs with the words "Road to Confusion Ahead Proceed at Your Own Risk." Why choose to be with someone who is unsure of what they want in the near future. If they are sure they like the things you do for them which could include cooking, cleaning, sex, quality time, dates, gifts, support and affection just to name of a few, then they should be sure enough to understand these qualities are given to people deserving of them and willing to be on the same page as you are. A person will accept all of you and give nothing in return if you don't require anything out of them and they can still enjoy all of the perks without commitment.
If your a woman and you allow yourself to be a sexual outlet for a man in hopes of him seeing the greatness in you, once you put the Cat down on him, fed him well, gave him support when he needs it then and then some.. of course he not gonna step up to the plate and be all he can be to you because he is comfortable right where he is. Because you didn't require him to give you the aspects you expect out of man.
If your a man who takes a beautiful woman out on countless dates, wines & dine her, give her gifts, provides a shoulder for her to cry on, help fix things around her home when she need it etc. But she continues to hit you with the "Oh I love our friendship I don't wanna ruin it by crossing the line", im sorry to tell ya brother but she's playing all type of games. You are her comfort zone she won't get rid of you because if all else fails she knows you can provide her with the passion and comfort temporarily until someone else she's really digging comes along.
Im gonna give you the the Three individuals who will make your life a living hell in these situationship waters, steer clear of these types they apply to both male and females.
The Prey _ this pathetic individual continues to enter the realm of the dating world looking for someone to take away the pain they harbor from a bad breakup, loss of family/job, or extreme life changes. Whatever the case may be they will not be able to fully commit to you because they have an overwhelming amount of healing that they need to do, but in the meantime since you are offering your services, your love, and your time they will receive it until its time for them to face reality and really handle their issues one on one and at that point thats when they start the games and distancing themselves.
The Pirate _ This is the individual that you were friends with in the beginning . You initially had no real interest or attraction to this person but over time they were around to see you thru on bad relationship after another. They over-extend themselves in the beginning or push the thought around in your mind that they care for you and wouldn't do you like those other individuals so you take a leap of faith and give them a chance. Soon as they have made the lay these posers start to show you the same traits of the individuals that you just got rid of. Now you got a friendship that took the turn to more than just friends and things aren't going right, so you potentially lost a friend, wasted your time and/or added another sailor to the bench count (esp if you are a female this is the waste)
The Player _ This is the individual who typically is a little out of your league but you've had your eye on them for quite some time. You fantasize about what it would be like to be with this individual from time to time but its all mental games. Finally you get the chance to date this dream guy or trophy female and everything turns out to be fantastic. They court you in the manner you've always wished for and you connect on so many levels besides the sex, even tho typically the sex is out of this world. It seems like this could be the one right?? Yeah its the one, right up until you find out this person still is involved with a ex, they are engaged or married, or they are dating someone else you know. This could break a mfrs heart and/or make you go cray cray.
This kinda shxt is unhealthy at any angle that you look at it from. If a person isn't putting forth that same effort, time, dedication or energy as you are then its time for you to bow out gracefully. Only thing your gonna get of a situationship is heartbreak, confusion, empty promises, and regret. Save yourself from the headache before it even occurs. If a person was really about you they would not lead you on, gas you up with false hopes, or tell you what you wanna hear just to keep you around as an Option. A solid individual secure in themselves whether they are ready or not for a relationship will keep it completely 100 with you and let you know exactly where they stand and allow you to decide rather or not you want to take the risk and deal with them.
I think people forget that love isn't like these products or gadgets they use that they have a "90-day free trial period". You can't just test peoples limits, use all their love or in a woman's case their box up and say " oh this product was cool but I don't really see the use in it" and send it back. Nah Homes foh aint no return to sender label for this love. You have to be like the product that doesn't have the free trail and error period. Just like a pair of Jordans, Loubs, or a brand new iPhone when purchasing them you have to have a warranty, exchange policy, and stipulations such as returning the product in its original form or after 28 days if you don't return unfortunately you can't be refunded. You as an individual have to have rules, standards, and guidelines that are enforced so a person can know exactly what they are getting themselves into when dating you and know what Will and Won't be tolerated during the dating phase with you.
If the meet a new individual and explain to them thoroughly that you aren't just dating for casual encounters, you want something more serious and that you have a strict 90 day rule before you even consider engaging in any type of intimate encounter, your letting that person know exactly where you stand. If that person chooses to stick around then they are aware of what your standards are and shouldn't expect anything more. Typically a person knows exactly what they want from a person after a few dates, conversations and QT. Don't allow people to take advantage of you by getting all the perks of what you have to offer but still being unsure of what they really want but they are out here living a fully single and accessible lifestyle. Most people know exactly what they do and don't want. If they don't know if they are ready to accept the terms or rules you have for dating you then tell them what you "Do know" is that this isn't gonna work out because uncertainty is unattractive and Chuck the deuces on them quick. I bet you a dude knows if he wants some Cat or a chick knows if she needs a favor from you or wants dinner and drinks. Remember a person will only treat you, court you, love you, and respect you in the manner that YOU allow them to. Make sure your treating, loving, courting (yes you can court yourself), and respecting yourself in the highest manner so that the individual you choose to date will reflect that same manner.
Get rid of all the "Don't Knows" an get you a "Im Sure" so you can get to the "I Do's" one day! If you've been dating longer then 4 months with no real overview of where and what you want out of something wtf are y'all really doing ask yourself and your boo, bae, or whoever the same thing. Thats the PLAY ON WORDS for the week!